Confront your doubts

I remember an evening when I was feeling strongly dissatisfied and discontented. I went back to my book where I wrote all the sermons and promises. A little book I scribbles on filled with encounters and verses that recall God's promises whenever there is a need. Well I felt I needed something, but I don't know what it was. I know I'm feeling something, but I don't know how and why those uneasy and doubtful feelings come from. Its just a sudden feeling of emotions.

I had no peace, no joy and I just felt completely miserable. And I read something I wrote many many months ago about how I God helped me through that night where there's only tears and sorrows.

It says, I'm with you, and you are safe in my arms, rest my child. 

In fact the problem is simple, I was doubting instead of believing. I doubt His ability over a situation. I doubt that He actually has put me into this situation to prosper me and to grow me. I doubt in His faithfulness and His love for me. I doubt that God is incapable of doing. 

When I realized the problem, I got back my faith and stepped out of doubts.

It was funny

Somehow I was reflected to the day I first spoke to Jesus. Thou methodist church school where I used to come from, yes I sing children church songs. But in me Jesus is still an unknown figure.

in my quiet time when I was reminded what happened. I was crying and throwing my tantrum probably 3 years ago when a voice was speaking. I'm a person with so much of anger and resentment back then, I shouted back at it. The voice sounded so meek and gentle. Can't even understand why is that voice in English, while I'm more of a Chinese speaking person. I asked, who are you, just shut up and get lost. He replied, I'm Jesus. My first instance, go away, I don't know you, ask Buddha to come can? I know Buddha I don't know you, what Jesus. I dont like you, you speak English ~_~ for some reasons I just want to find fault with everything. Lol.

The voice kept very quiet for a couple of minutes.

And somehow flashback across my mind in incidents which I don't even remember. During my secondary school days, one day after school I went to the hill behind my house and was surrounded a whole bunch of angry monkeys. And I don't know what to do. The whole monkey families are mobilized. They blocked my front pathway and my hind ways. I was stucked, can't go anywhere and the sky was turning dark. 

I was from the girls brigade, somehow that time I started praying to Jesus. I asked Jesus how? I'm freaking stucked by monkeys. I didn't know what happened somehow or somewhat I felt led I just hold on to a pair of secured hands closed my eyes and walked thru the bunch of angry monkeys. By the time I peek and took a turn behind my back, I've walked out the path surrounded by monkeys. I was only 13 years old back then.

After the flashback, Jesus speaks again. Back then, it was me, who held your hands. Instantly hot tears rolled down my cheeks. That was my very first encounter I had. To think back. It's hilarious isn't it.