Understand

Understand

Do you have the feeling that no one understands you?

And people falling shortfall of your standards? 

Or people who didn't measure up to what you expect?

Situations that fail you?

One who disappoints you?

This happens very much to almost everybody. Its a world we live in, balancing within ideal and reality; expectations and disappointments.I am reading my daily reading list, i start to ask myself why is the bible not just a set of rules and principles? But instead a book full or grace and mercy. Forgiveness and faith. Compassion and kindness. Truth and light. It says that the meek shall inherit the land. What is the land its talking about? I went through my study  guide and realized that it is the promises of our destiny. A destiny that leads to who God wants us to be. 

I've listening to a sermon on shame and guilt, disappointment and resentment. I relate it to the recent incident that had happened to me. Just on Christmas eve. It's completely out of my expectation and i ruin the dinner completely. Being hound by guilt and shame I didn't know how to face myself. I was extremely angry with myself and couldn't face the consequences I've resulted. I felt myself failing God and failing myself. I started my pity party on Christmas day. What a "pleasant" way to start Christmas. What a pity party to attend with just myself and me, a group of bitterness, resentment, self condemnation, guilt and unworthiness. It seems like they have gathered together like a legion. 

I shake that off me on boxing day. I made a grave mistake, and I have to face up to the consequences of that mistake causing shame to someone else. That evening on boxing day I hid into my secret closet and commune with Daddy God. I cried out to Him and pleaded Him to take away that sinful desire of mine. Alcoholism.

He showed me to proverbs 31 seriously and frankly I have to admit I didn't even know proverbs 31 ever existed.

31:4 Drunkenness might be understandable among unbelievers who are on the brink of death, but it is inexcusable for national leaders. Alcohol clouds the mind and can lead to injustice and poor decisions. Leaders have better things to do than that. (Life Application bible)

The words really slapped me hard this time round. God is totally aware of whats happening and totally. I read the words carefully over again and again. Word by word. People who are at the brink of death. Alcoholism.  But it is inexcusable for national leaders, leaders have better things to do than that. In that verse, 2 options hit me hard. One who is near death or a Leader? Its a choice. I am so upset over it and was sitting by myself looking 13th levels below me until a bangala worker appear out of nowhere from the rooftop taking photos. I looked at him and he looked at me. 

So when I saw this verse 2 hours after I came down. Proverbs 31 describes me and God gave me a choice who I want to be. Somehow I think that bangala maybe God's angel. And  God knows exactly whats going though my mind even when I shut off my thought totally from Him. Too much of guilt and condemnation, I can't feel think or have anything to do with God. I was overwhelmed. 

Coupled with the situation that I was going through and I seriously repented over it. If this hasn't happen, how would I ever know that I am not totally done with Alcoholism. Though a situation, definitely not a pleasant one, I paid a price for my action to reveal this part of me God wants to deal with, and entirely this time round. I found out in that incident that I do not understand myself that much after all but God allows this to happen to let me see myself clearly. To root this problem off once and for all. The consequences of this spiral me down into a deep deep slumber and a close to 20 hours of sleep. As usual woke up feeling as bad as it can ever be. Thankfully I didn't woke up and realizes it is 2013 like I last did in 2009. Woke up one day and realized oh, its 2010. 

Not just in handling disappointments and mistakes in our lives, we need a certain kind of mercy and grace for ourselves. This doesn't mean that we can willfully continue that mistake or allow it to happen but understand that perfection is impossible in human. We strive for perfection but in the midway when we stumble and fall in our character flaws, we need to have mercy and grace for ourselves.

In things that always seem wrong in our lives, may it be a way of living or a set of thoughts that has been teaching us to live our lives in our own ways; we learn to manage our set of in-justifications.

When a mistake is made, but seriously who will want to make a mistake on purpose so that he or she can be penalized? What's important is the valuable lessons learn in correction. If one has to make 100 mistakes to learn its correction, then hope he/she can stand the 100 consequences of the mistake made. As fast as we can move on rectify and understand which part of ourselves went wrong, we can correct it. 

Because we don't even understand ourselves, we find ourselves too complex to find the correct area to rectify the issue. 

Showing grace to ourselves during the trial and error is essential, for most part of the rectification is through the learning process of situations which are out of expectancy. Just like love is build over time, grace and mercy is build overtime as well. As much as situation come knocking on, there is a chance to exercise on the emotional muscles of the above. 

We are not god and can't play god in life too. If life is about playing the identity of god, what is there to look forward to? What is there to learn? What is the purpose of living?Why not all parent kill their babies when they are born? There must be a purpose in life. Like a friend of mine always say, its a blessing to be alive, because we still have the ability to change to make our life better.

What if everything we do were to go along with our plans and with no disappointment, setbacks, resentment, problem free at all. It that even call life? 

The main human sin character; even when things are absolutely perfect in our life, we will still be there creating problems for ourselves. Imagine a life with no setbacks, or disappointment? How do we even differentiate contentment and appreciation. 

Just like God wouldn't do our part in life, we can't play his role in life too. What we have to do is to manage ourselves and constantly adjusting to be align with what will be the best out of us. 

In this life everyone is in search of happiness and happiness can only be attain when one make peace with themselves.

I am learning too. In a process learning to show grace, kindness and mercy despite of situations. The maturity on being kind even when others are unkind with words towards me. Showing grace even when I am being treated unfairly. Sometimes a mistake made has the power to wipe away ample goodness you've done. But I told myself, don't be discourage, I am not doing it to redeem for my wrong but to do what the truth told me to be. 

Love

Peace

Gentleness

Faithfulness

Goodness

Patience

Kindness

Self control

Determination